Nicholas Bate

Instant Business Speak 18: Meeting Start Time

A 'Meeting Start Time' is seen by most in the commercial world as a very flexible guide-line. Those from more rigorous professions-such as ex-marines-who join an organisation are staggered by the lateness of many and the consequent non-effectiveness of the gathering traditionally called a meeting. Why are people late? Because (1) lack of leadership allows them to get away with it (2) they are not aware of time, being too stunned and trance-induced by e-mail (3) They couldn't get out of a conference call which was running late.

It's easy, though. Start on time. Whatever. Even if initially you're talking to yourself. People will learn.

Instant Business Speak 17: H1, Q4

In an organisation, terms such as H1 and Q4 strike fear into anyone who is responsible for a sales target: will they hit their revenue targets? For if H1-the first half of they year-is not good, then H2-the second half-will be even more painful. And the final-fourth-quarter is where any kind of deal will be done to hit those elusive figures. For those not in sales, these figures cause delight or consternation. Deight if exceeded as there may well be bonuses all around. Consternation if not hit as there will no doubt be a 're-org'.

Instant Business Speak 17: Leadership

Organisations talk a lot about leadership. Quite rightly, as without it organisations get submerged in the trivial many (usually encapsulated on the latest slide-deck) instead of staying super-focused on the vital few. However, leadership is not something which can be rolled out at a conference. Leadership is not a job title. Leadership is not something which dictates who pays for the lattes at Starbucks. Leadership is a mindset. It is doing what is necessary. Aged 24 or 42. Liked or disliked. It is identifying appropriate actions. It is owning the consequences of those actions. It is striding through the melodrama about the broken espresso machine. It is saying this is not a management model, guys: this is a real life business with customers and employees dependent upon us. That's leadership.

Instant Business Speak 16: 'The Re-Org'

When in doubt, 're-org'. When there is no place else to hide, 're-org'. Just when teams are gelling, understanding markets and getting their story to customers correct, 're-org'. There are many things which cause an organisation to flounder, the number one being poor leadership (q.v.), over-use of technology to communicate subtle issues and non-narrative story-telling. Fix those first before a re-org. Then one is probably not needed.

Instant Business Speak 15: The Action

In business it is often the case that actions are avoided at all costs. If you generate an action you become visible. If you accept an action you become accountable. If you execute an action your competence becomes measurable. and thus it is the intention of many in business to avoid actions at all costs in order to stay invisible, non-accountable and devoid of measurability.

Thus the love of meetings, PowerPoint, slide-decks, cascading and conferences. These all act as a brilliant smoke-screen for avoiding the fundamental truth: a decision is not a decision until an action is taken.

Instant Business Speak 15: The Job Title

Intergalactic Sales Director for EMEA and Newly-Discovered Planets is the kind of job title many would give up their SmartFone for. Well, a day or two anyway. In organisations where increasingly the purpose of it all has been lost because of a tidal wave of slide-decks, e-mail and meetings any individual can only find meaning by giving themselves the best label they can. Which is why the job title is so important, along with cars (q.v.), pay-grades (q.v.) and corner offices (q.v.).

Instant Business Speak 14: Lost In Translation

Lost In Translation is the film which gives all who work in business hope that there will be a lot more to their visit to Tokyo than just getting lost in the subway system.

Instant Business Speak 13: The Conference Call

A popular device in organisations, the 'conference call' is typically held during a meeting with a virtual set of PowerPoint slides across a multitude of times-zones (q.v.) with an unknown audience. Things usually couldn't be clearer. Multiply in the nuances of business which are lost in translation (q.v.) and few real actions (q.v.) are ever generated. However an awful lot of T&E (q.v.) has been saved by not going in person. As nobody notices the expense of confused communication, fuzzy actions and  missing decision makers.

Instant Business Speak 12: 'Heads Up'

In organisations, people generally give you a 'heads up' when something is about to go badly wrong and they are hoping to rapidly disassociate themselves from the issue by apparently giving you a full briefing. You are often given a 'heads up' before stepping into an ambush meeting, a hostile reception at a conference or when HR have realised the wrong slide-deck containing full salary details has been cascaded to 2224 employees. While you are being given the 'heads up', most  are keeping their heads down, checking their SmartFone for an escape route.

Instant Business Speak 11: Metrics

Metrics

Organisations revolve around metrics. Discussing metrics (often in meetings), creating metrics (often via slide-decks) and chasing each other re meeting them (via SmartFones). Metrics are a clever name for a smoke-screen: they avoid work being done. Instead of selling profitably, discuss the margin metrics. Instead of delivering outstanding customer service, discuss the customer service complaint metrics.  Meta Metrics is a real wheeze: discussing the metrics which govern the metrics. Hallucinating? You should be.