Nicholas Bate

Home Berriens visits the Top Secret Blackberry Labs

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

Jack has won a competition for being the 'Man Most Likely To Be Found With His Blackberry 100% of the Time in 2010'. His prize-in addition to vouchers for free thumb massage at his local Thai Spa and Marriage Counselling vouchers-is a very hush hush visit to the secret Blackberry Labs (code-named 'The Pip') hidden in a bunker in Washington. Jack is 'totally wowed' to discover new exciting features including:

• peripheral 'warning of approach of girlfriend' feature in order to hide device from her wrath;
• full water-proofing to allow diver-to-diver communication while under water;
• full cafe-latte dispensing option on the new 'Ruggo' travel option; 
• lightweight candy-coloured machines for toddlers;
• 'Auto-home' feature which once activated will ensure a lost Blackberry finds his/her master wherever they might be on the globe. 

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Jack has won a competition for being the 'Man Most Likely To Be Found With His Blackberry 100% of the Time in 2010'. His prize-in addition to vouchers for free thumb massage at his local Thai Spa and Marriage Counselling vouchers-is a very hush hush visit to the secret Blackberry Labs (code-named 'The Pip') hidden in a bunker in Washington. Jack is 'totally wowed' to discover new exciting features including:

• peripheral 'warning of approach of girlfriend' feature in order to hide device from her wrath;
• full water-proofing to allow diver-to-diver communication while under water;
• full cafe-latte dispensing option on the new 'Ruggo' travel option; 
• lightweight candy-coloured machines for toddlers;
• 'Auto-home' feature which once activated will ensure a lost Blackberry finds his/her master wherever they might be on the globe. 

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Homo Berriens at The Easter Egg Hunt.

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

Jack and his children are at the local Easter Egg Hunt. Jack surveys the scene: there are a bewildering number of children and parents and an unknown number of eggs scattered across a confusing terrain of Church grounds and adjacent park. The whistle is blown: they're off. Jack's children immediately find a couple of eggs  each.

Jack: cool work kids, so let's just enter their co-ordinates;

Little Lucy: what, Dad? Can't we just eat them? 

Jack: no way, sweetheart. That's the obvious strategy. What we need to do is capture on my Blackberry GPS every egg found, including those from your competit ..er friends, too....and work out a pattern. Once cracked we can find the majority very quickly.

Young Danny: But I only want two eggs. Mummy reminded me any more than two makes me really, really sick. And I really hate chocolate sick.

Little Lucy and Young Danny looked at each other, sat down, unwrapped their eggs and started to eat. Life is good when you know your priorities. They did wonder why dad was still typing on his little screen. He did do it a lot. Funny Daddy. Parents are really bizarre at times.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Jack and his children are at the local Easter Egg Hunt. Jack surveys the scene: there are a bewildering number of children and parents and an unknown number of eggs scattered across a confusing terrain of Church grounds and adjacent park. The whistle is blown: they're off. Jack's children immediately find a couple of eggs  each.

Jack: cool work kids, so let's just enter their co-ordinates;

Little Lucy: what, Dad? Can't we just eat them? 

Jack: no way, sweetheart. That's the obvious strategy. What we need to do is capture on my Blackberry GPS every egg found, including those from your competit ..er friends, too....and work out a pattern. Once cracked we can find the majority very quickly.

Young Danny: But I only want two eggs. Mummy reminded me any more than two makes me really, really sick. And I really hate chocolate sick.

Little Lucy and Young Danny looked at each other, sat down, unwrapped their eggs and started to eat. Life is good when you know your priorities. They did wonder why dad was still typing on his little screen. He did do it a lot. Funny Daddy. Parents are really bizarre at times.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Home Berriens prepares for Financial Armageddon.

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

Jack has decided he must assume the worst and prepares his check-list to survive the end of the world as we know it:

1. Blackberry;
2. Back-up Blackberry;
3. Batteries for Blackberry;
4. Back-up batteries for Blackberry;
5. Generator to re-charge Blackberry batteries and to provide dust-free environment for operation of Blackberry;
6. Head-torch for demanding working conditions; 
7. Copy of H G Wells, War of the Worlds;
8. Family and family stuff.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Jack has decided he must assume the worst and prepares his check-list to survive the end of the world as we know it:

1. Blackberry;
2. Back-up Blackberry;
3. Batteries for Blackberry;
4. Back-up batteries for Blackberry;
5. Generator to re-charge Blackberry batteries and to provide dust-free environment for operation of Blackberry;
6. Head-torch for demanding working conditions; 
7. Copy of H G Wells, War of the Worlds;
8. Family and family stuff.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Homo Berriens is attending a conference in Firenze/Florence, Italy.

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

Jack has slipped out of the hotel and is sitting in the staggeringly beautiful square near 'Il Duomo', the cathedral. The Tuscan hillside stretches out on either side of the city and not so very far away hidden in the vineyards is the birth-place of possibly the greatest artist and scientist to have ever lived: Leonardo da Vinci.

Waiter: Scusi signore? Un espresso? Un cappucino?

Jack: Er, sure. Large espresso. And some toast. Merci. Er, grazie.

Waiter: Of course. A few minutti. You are enjoying Firenze, our beautiful city?

Jack stared hard at the small screen, shielding it from the early morning sunshine.

Jack: Er....yeah. Network clarity could be better for a major conurbation.

Waiter: Er....si. 

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Jack has slipped out of the hotel and is sitting in the staggeringly beautiful square near 'Il Duomo', the cathedral. The Tuscan hillside stretches out on either side of the city and not so very far away hidden in the vineyards is the birth-place of possibly the greatest artist and scientist to have ever lived: Leonardo da Vinci.

Waiter: Scusi signore? Un espresso? Un cappucino?

Jack: Er, sure. Large espresso. And some toast. Merci. Er, grazie.

Waiter: Of course. A few minutti. You are enjoying Firenze, our beautiful city?

Jack stared hard at the small screen, shielding it from the early morning sunshine.

Jack: Er....yeah. Network clarity could be better for a major conurbation.

Waiter: Er....si. 

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Homo Berriens at Parents Evening

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

Jack has just rushed in to meet his son's Math/s Teacher

Jack: So, Mr Willis. What's the real problem behind these poor grades?

Mr Willis: Jack, let me put it bluntly. It's an inability of your son to ....

buzz

Jack: Er...sorry about that. Let me just. Ok...that can wait. You were saying?

Mr Willis:...that your son has an inability to concentrate and focus on the issue at hand.

Jack: Oh.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Jack has just rushed in to meet his son's Math/s Teacher

Jack: So, Mr Willis. What's the real problem behind these poor grades?

Mr Willis: Jack, let me put it bluntly. It's an inability of your son to ....

buzz

Jack: Er...sorry about that. Let me just. Ok...that can wait. You were saying?

Mr Willis:...that your son has an inability to concentrate and focus on the issue at hand.

Jack: Oh.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Homo Berriens Wonders What Life is All About ?

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

Who am I ? What am I doing?

Jack is in Starbucks next to the Stock Exchange, Toronto, Canada. He's on a very important trip. He's been staring out of the window watching the snow for some 37 minutes now. Sitting there, quietly. Wondering. Child-like.

The barista who has been tidying tables and has circled Jack a few times feels she has to ask: Sir, are you OK?

Jack; sure, sure. My Blackberry is down. I'd forgotten what real Life is like. Thanks for asking.

Jack stuffed the machine in his bag and headed out into the gently falling snow.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Who am I ? What am I doing?

Jack is in Starbucks next to the Stock Exchange, Toronto, Canada. He's on a very important trip. He's been staring out of the window watching the snow for some 37 minutes now. Sitting there, quietly. Wondering. Child-like.

The barista who has been tidying tables and has circled Jack a few times feels she has to ask: Sir, are you OK?

Jack; sure, sure. My Blackberry is down. I'd forgotten what real Life is like. Thanks for asking.

Jack stuffed the machine in his bag and headed out into the gently falling snow.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Home Berriens goes Saturday food shopping at the Supermarket

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

At The Supermarket

Jack is phoning home. It's 0923 Saturday morning. He's next to organic crunchy peanut butter with added vitamins.

Jack: Hi honey. Er..what cereals did you want me to get? I know the kids keep having new fads.

Sally-Anne: Jack-it's all on the list. You did take it didn't you?

Jack:  Really sorry honey. I got a bit distracted clearing a back-log of some mail. Look-any chance you could e-mail it to me. I'll just wait in Starbucks next door until it comes through; there's a spreadsheet I can complete. Love you sweetheart.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Home Berriens at his son's Ball Game

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

The Saturday Afternoon Ball Game

Dan: Hey, dad!

Jack:  Hi Dan! Sorry I was a bit late and missed the start. This recession is causing a few issues. You scored?! Heck. Oh well, maybe one of the other dads caught it on video. Yep, absolutely I'll be around. Just need to clear a bit of work so I'll be in the vehicle for a while. Give me a yell if you reckon anything exciting is going to happen.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

The Saturday Afternoon Ball Game

Dan: Hey, dad!

Jack:  Hi Dan! Sorry I was a bit late and missed the start. This recession is causing a few issues. You scored?! Heck. Oh well, maybe one of the other dads caught it on video. Yep, absolutely I'll be around. Just need to clear a bit of work so I'll be in the vehicle for a while. Give me a yell if you reckon anything exciting is going to happen.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Home Berriens at the Sunday Afternoon Stroll

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

The Sunday Afternoon Stroll in the late Winter Sunshine

Sally-Anne: Jack, do you love me?

Jack:  Err. Sorry. Really sorry. Just needed to respond quickly to that. What was that, honey?

Sally-Anne:  Jack: look at me for just one moment! Do you love me?

Jack: Absolutely sweetheart. Definitely 100% . With all my heart. Wouldn't be here on this walk if I didn't.

Sally-Anne: It's just you don't show it so well. Increasingly.

Buzz

Jack: Sorry honey, can we talk about this later? International is tricky at the moment. Markets etc.  Sydney is up and running and Tokyo will be on-line soon.

Sally-Anne: Sure, I'm off home to watch McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. I think I'll start right at the beginning of disc 1 again. Let me know if you'd like to pick up with our Life again at any stage.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.

Homo Berriens: at the Eagles Concert

The back story….anthropologists at The University of Madup have been shocked to discover that Home Berriens which was thought to be a rare sub-species of Homo Sapiens has in fact developed at such a rate it has become a significant part of the adult population.  Predominantly male, aged 23 to 52, it is characterised by a lowered forehead constantly foraging across a small screen. Significantly reduced peripheral vision and auditory acuity is coupled with the ability to work in very low lighting conditions such as the cinema. Accentuated fingers enable small keyboards to be adroitly managed at speed while simultaneously executing other activities such as eating cereal, walking the dog or sky-diving. This sub-species can easily be identified as one hand is permanently in a grip-like pose (similar to that of the early Action Man toys) from holding a Blackberry or similar device plus one jacket pocket hangs much lower then the other. This is coupled with a general unease as they realise there is no such panacea as ‘in-box zero’. Approach with care as normal conversation (as bench-marked with Homo Sapiens) can be alarmingly different.

At the Eagles Concert

Sally-Anne: Jack, what are you doing? It's one of their most gorgeous tracks; this was always our favourite. Remember?

Jack:  Err. Sorry. Really sorry. Just needed to respond quickly to that. Told him we were here, too.

Sally-Anne:  Switch it off. Put it away. Get a Life!

Buzz.

Jack: Just do this one. I do have them all on my iPod, you know; we can listen to them on the way home.

Later this week. Homo Berriens makes love. But not as we know it.